Day 17: The Grand Re-Opening Disaster
Following a brief closure to address "minor safety concerns," Goob Lagoon held a grand re-opening on Day 17. Management promised "improvements that will be talked about for the rest of history." This prophecy was fulfilled, though not in the manner intended, as a fresh wave of calamity was unleashed upon an unsuspecting public.
A Litany of Fresh Horrors
File #PR-001: Assault by Marketing
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 10:15 AM
Location: Sidewalk adjacent to Goob Lagoon
Victim: Unnamed Pedestrian
Incident Description: In his zeal to promote the re-opening, Park Manager CaseOh physically ran over a pedestrian while handing out flyers, immediately apologizing for being "too excited." This act established a clear precedent for the day's disregard for public safety.
"I am so sorry for running you over, sir, I just got excited." - Park Manager CaseOh
File #SD-004: The "Safe" Zone
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 10:28 AM
Attraction: "Death slide zone"
Incident Description: Management publicly declared the "Death slide zone" as completely safe, despite evidence of multiple prior injuries. This verbal guarantee constitutes gross negligence, luring patrons into a false sense of security before they were inevitably maimed.
"All of these slides are safe. Everything is literally safe." - Management's demonstrably false safety claim
File #DR-001: The Drowning Epidemic
Date/Time: Day 17, throughout the afternoon
Victims: Esmeralda, Juliana, and Reya
Incident Description: A series of near-fatal drownings occurred. After being injured on the slide, Esmeralda was seen drowning. Later, Juliana was also spotted drowning, leading to a chaotic rescue where the manager assaulted another patron. Shortly after, Reya required rescue. The park clearly lacked adequate lifeguard staff or safety protocols.
"Lord, she's drowning!" - Repeated cry from the Park Manager
File #EE-001: Willful Endangerment of Staff
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 12:05 PM
Location: Diving Board Area
Victim: Joaquin, Park Employee
Incident Description: While an employee, Joaquin, was attempting to clean the diving board, the Park Manager violently pushed him into the pool. This constitutes a clear case of workplace violence and endangerment, creating a hostile and unsafe environment for all employees.
"Get off the diving board! ... Joaquin, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please don't quit on me." - Management, confessing to the assault
Was Your "Grand Re-Opening" a Grand Disaster?
If your visit to Goob Lagoon on Day 17 resulted in injury, emotional distress, or an unwanted bath at the hands of management, you are not alone. Our firm is compiling evidence for what is shaping up to be the most open-and-shut case in amusement park history.
Disclaimer: Frivolous, Jape & Guffaw LLP is not responsible for any incidents involving rogue water guns or aggressive hot dog sales. All events are for entertainment purposes only.