The "Big Boy Slide" Catastrophe
On Day 17 of operations under new management, Goob Lagoon unveiled its new "Big Boy" inflatable slides. Park Manager CaseOh assured the public, "All of these slides are safe. Everything is literally safe." What followed was a series of catastrophic injuries, drownings, and general mayhem directly attributable to these new, untested attractions.
Evidence Log: A Timeline of Negligence
File #SD-001: The Spinal Snap
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 11:24 AM
Attraction: "The Big Boy Slide" (Inflatable)
Victim: Unidentified Male
Injury Description: After descending the slide, the victim completely overshot the pool, landing with tremendous force on the concrete pool deck. The injury was assessed on-site by management as a complete spinal fracture.
"That dude's spine just snapped in half." - Witness Statement, Park Manager CaseOh
File #SD-002: Negligence in Motion
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 11:27 AM
Attraction: "The Big Boy Slide" (Inflatable, Lane 2)
Victim: Esmeralda
Injury Description: In a shocking display of mismanagement, the Park Manager attempted to physically reposition the slide *while the victim was already in motion*. Predictably, this failed. Esmeralda also overshot the pool, sustaining severe blunt force trauma. She was later seen drowning, likely incapacitated by her injuries.
"Wait, I have to move it! Don't go down yet! ... Lord have mercy... Ma'am, are you okay?" - Management's Confession of Culpability
File #SD-003: The Concrete Landing Zone
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 11:44 AM
Attraction: "The Big Boy Slide" (Post-Adjustment)
Victims: Mercy, Finn
Injury Description: Despite management's claim that "that should fix it," two more patrons, Mercy and Finn, were launched from the slide onto the hard concrete deck, where they lay motionless. This demonstrates a willful disregard for patron safety, even after multiple severe injuries.
"Please be safe. Those slides, you gotta sign a waiver." - Management's attempt to shift legal liability
File #HZ-014: Fountain of Pain
Date/Time: Day 17, approx. 12:25 PM
Attraction: Decorative Pool Fountain
Victim: Unidentified Male
Injury Description: While the park focused on its slide-based carnage, other hazards were allowed to fester. A patron was observed with a potential leg fracture after an interaction with a seemingly harmless water fountain, indicating systemic safety issues across the entire park.
"Tell me I saw that wrong." - Management, expressing shock at predictable outcomes
Have You Been a Victim?
If you or a loved one's summer fun at Goob Lagoon was abruptly ended by a high-velocity impact with the pavement, you may be entitled to significant compensation. Our legal team is prepared to fight for justice against this blatant disregard for human skeletal integrity.
Disclaimer: This is a parody. The legal advice of Frivolous, Jape & Guffaw LLP is not legally binding. If you have a snapped spine, please see a real doctor immediately. We are not liable for any further injuries sustained while reading this website.